20/20

December 4 Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present.  Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?

"Are you going to have an intervention for your sister?" my cousin asked.
"NO!" was the definite answer.

I have two little sisters. Did you know?

I talk about one of them, TheFish, all the time.

The other is a more sensitive subject... She's our baby. She went to live with my dad when my parents split fir the last time.

I saw her over the summer for the first time in nearly five years.

Now is the part where I'm supposed to say that I wish I could have a "do over" for that day.
I'm not sure that's entirely true.

The last time I had seen her, five years ago, was the day of my brother's memorial service.  This year I saw her on the day of my grandmother's memorial service.

My regrets aren't about my sister. Maybe they should be.  Maybe I am a terrible person. I don't know.

She's a stranger.  Taller than I remember.  Her voice sounds foreign,  her features unfamiliar.
We awkwardly avoided each other for a day and a half. Then I complimented her shoes. We made uncomfortable small talk for a few scant minutes until our aunt interrupted.

Truth: I didn't feel a connection.

I don't miss her. That probably makes me a terrible person.

Maybe it is because I was mourning my gramma so intensely; because I was dreading TheFish leaving to return to the great rainy North later that afternoon.

That day, the day of my gramma's memorial, is hardly more clear than that of BabyBrother five years before.  I know that I dont regret anything though.  I held my tongue when appropriate.  I told anecdotes about Gramma that she would appreciate. I supported my mother in her grief.

I do have regrets though...
Most of all, I regret not calling Gramma more when she was healthy. I wish I could do-over all of the calls I didn't return right away, the emails I forgot to respond to,  the calls I didnt make, the visits I didn't plan.

I meant to write about Gramma and how much I love her; how she always told me that I was her favorite; the way she treated my small troubles seriously; how she always fed us dessert for dinner.

And all of that is trye.

But I  didn't know how much I needed to acknowledge the strange collision of my grief over Gramma and the lack of emotion over my littlest sister.

Of Ham and Hatred

 When I was growing up my parents always selected holidays as the time to do something incredibly fucked up to each other other. My 21st birthday was no exception.
As a result, I've always been very bah-humbug about all holiday celebrations.
You'd think I'd be super excited about having no plans for Easter this year.

By now we all know that I'm a contrary bitch.

Easter has always been the only exception to my holiday hatred. I love Easter. Absolutely love it. I have no idea why.
My parents separated for the first time on Easter Sunday when I was twelve. It was one of the most traumatic events I'd experienced to date. I remember crying bitterly into my plate of Easter ham in Crazytown that evening. I haven't been able to eat ham since.
Regardless, I love Easter. Every single part of it. Even the gross commercialized parts... except Peeps. No one likes Peeps.

This year I'll be spending Easter alone, and I'm sort of beside myself about it. I'll go to an early mass, and I have to work in the morning, which is fine, but then nothing. I don't have plans for Easter dinner.  My mother has chosen to spend the holiday out of town with her boyfriend. TheFish is, of course, still away at school.
Its weird, and very fitting in a sad-girl kind of way, that I will be alone with my dog on the one holiday that I actually enjoy.

Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it is past time for me to figure out how to be outside of my family and my obligations.

Besides, if I'm alone no one can judge me for drinking too much wine.

Make

Reverb 11

Prompt for December 17: Make: What did you make this year that you're proud of? Was it a success or did it flop and you learned something about how to make it better next time? Do you have any special handmade projects planned for next year? 

One of my earliest memories is of weaving baskets with my mother. 
 As a child I thought that everyone's mother sewed them elaborate First Eucharist dresses of tulle and taffeta or historically accurate Laura Ingalls outfits (complete with a sunbonnet!). I didn't understand that other parents bough things like playdough and Christmas ornaments.
My mother passed these skills on to me. I made my first queen-sized quilt in the fifth grade. In high school I sewed a red satin flapper costume for a Roaring 20's themed dance. I made my own bridesmaid dress for my favorite cousin's hippie wedding. I cooked dinner for my siblings and I every night after my mother went back to work when I was 13. As I grew older I realized that not everyone has this same skill set, it blew my mind when friends couldn't sew on a button or hem their own pants. 
I realize now that this skill set, these "domestic arts" are important, something to be proud of even. There was a time when I was made to feel that these skills, "women's work", wasn't useful or valuable. For a few years I stopped sewing and baking and "making" in general. 
This year, I decided to change that. I started making again. And I did. I let my creative juices flow.

This is the creation of which I'm most proud:

Obviously, I did not make LittleMiss. I did, however, make the super awesome tutu she is wearing. The materials for the tutu cost me about $17, and the construction time was about an hour to an hour and a half. It wasn't difficult or inconvenient to make-I made it sitting on the floor in front of a Say Yes to the Dress marathon. The biggest challenge was probably choosing the colors of tulle. But it wasn't about the money or the time. It was about creating a birthday present for Little Miss. She was super excited about her birthday present and insisted on donning it immediately. 
Seriously, isn't she the cutest thing?... I'm at that creepy stage in my twenties in which I covet other people's children but don't actually want any of my own.

Achieve

Reverb11
Prompt for December13: Achieve: What do you hope to achieve next year? 


Let go.


I want to let go. 


I want to find a way to "cut the fat". I want to exorcise my demons. I want to streamline my life.


I need to minimize my mental and emotional clutter without running away and avoiding my life. 


I want to focus only on the things I can control. 


Sanity. I want my sanity back. I want to feel stable. 


So. That's what I'll be doing in 2012.

1,000 Words

Reverb11

Prompt for December 7: 1,000 Words: Post a 2011 photo that's worth a thousand words.

This is my younger sister, the one I call "TheFish". The guy is her boyfriend. He has a lip-ring and calls her "dork-o".

I took this picture when I visited TheFish in Oregon for the weekend. We were in a tiny hole-in-the-wall in north Portland. It was one of those places that's a bar and a pizza joint and pool hall all at once. I was drinking a lovely Oregon Pinot Noir and he had a beer called "Got Hops?" which made us all laugh. The picture was an accident; I was trying to adjust the flash settings in my digital camera.

TheFish was the one of the four of us that our father hurt the most. She has every right to be bitter and angry. She has the right to distrust men and suffer from anxiety and depression. I am so grateful that she is healthy, free of the madness that flows through us; that she is able to trust men; that she has a boyfriend who calls her "dork-o" and acts like she hung the moon.

She gives me hope that one day I'll be ok.

Celebration

Reverb11

Prompt for December 3: Celebration: What did you celebrate this year? What do you hope to celebrate next year? (I know, I know, I'm days behind!)

Things I celebrated: old friends, new friends, family, love, victories, closure, new adventures, over coming challenges and facing demons.

As for next year? All I can ask for is more of the same.