Monday, December 1, 2014


I've decided to give Project Reverb a try again this year. I've missed writing, and I think this might be a good way to get back into the habit.

December 1: At the start | Where did you start 2014?  Give us some background on this year.

I spent New Year's Eve home alone on my couch. I made mac n cheese and went to bed at 9:30pm.

It wasn't as sad as it sounds.

I had spent the bulk of the previous three months living out of a suitcase at my best friend's house. I was relieved to be home, grateful for the solitude.

The previous September,  I had totalled my car. While driving my friend and her daughter to the airport. For a Hawaiian vacation.
Needless to say, they missed their flight.

My friend was hurt. One minute we were joking about pineapples and the next minute she was in a crying hospital bed and I was suddenly responsible for a five year old.
I've never wanted my mom more in my life than I did that day.

When we got home, her mother immediately began talking lawyers and lawsuits.

I knew the only way through was together. So we both slept on couches in her living room until she was cleared to climb the stairs to her bedroom. I watched hours of Food Network with her when she was in too much pain to sleep. I fetched and carried and plumped pillows. I became a familiar face at her daughter's day care and dance studio. I did everything I could think of to help.

Not because of the guilt. Because I love her and her daughter and because you don't abandon family.

Make no mistake, there is guilt. So much guilt. The kind of guilt that comes to you so orangically after nine years of Catholic school. The guilt cannot be fought with reason or tears. Perhaps it will go away with time, but for now it endures.

By New Year's Eve it was beginning to look as though the worst might be over, there might be no more surgeries, she might be cleared to work again soon. And so I had gone home to snuggle my dog and sleep in my own bed.

This all turned out to be wishful thinking, of course.

But I got that one glorious day to relax, to not be strong or put on a happy face... to feel something besides soul sucking guilt.

So my beginning was quiet, but that was exactly what I needed.

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