Lent

I've never really understood Lent. Not in the way that most people celebrate it, anyway.

In my Catholic elementary school we were taught that Lent could be about three different things: breaking a bad habit, beginning a good habit and strengthening one's relationship with God. In the sixth grade, I quit biting my nails during Lent. Three years ago, I prayed the rosary every day for those 40 days.

So it has never made sense to me that people give up things like chocolate or coffee or television when they'll only be going back to it after Easter.

To me, Lent has always been a time for self-assessment. Am I on the right path? Am I doing my best to be compassionate and kind? Am I a good friend? sister? daughter? Am I happy? etc. If the answer is "no" or if I feel like an area of my life needs work, Lent is the time that I set aside for that. I usually choose a "bad habit" to break. I focus on my relationship with God, and I try to work on the parts of my life that suffer whether it be my relationship with others or a more personal issue.

This year, those questions were harder to answer. The smaller things in my life are still so shadowed by the loss of my brother, that it was more difficult to pinpoint any one thing that I could change to put a more positive spin on my life. So instead of choosing a habit to break, I'm beginning something new.

I'm starting a feel-good habit. Everyday I'm going to do one thing that is good for me. Simple things like go to the yoga class I love or take a long walk on the beach. Anything that will allow me a little bit of "me time" in which I can relax without being judged for enjoying myself or overwhelmed by grief.

I'm also going to write everyday. Even if its stupid and I don't post it. I haven't had the energy to do very much lately besides crawl into my bed at the end of the day. I miss my friends, and my life. But I really miss writing. I miss the heady feeling I get after I've finished purging my spirit. I miss the lightness I feel when someone reads my words and says "Yes! Exactly! I get that." Maybe that's a little selfish, but I think that right now I need a little more selfishness and a little more validation in my life.

Lent is my time to reclaim my life.

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