Thursday, February 11, 2010

Suspended- Animation

I've been static lately. Passive.

I come home and go to bed early, exhausted. I don't have the energy to write or go to yoga class or do any of the other things that I enjoy.

I tell people that I'm fine over and over until I want to scream from the monotony of it all.

I've been forcing myself to be active, social, engaged. Its so hard. I catch myself staring into space or losing focus in the middle of a sentence.

I trail off and trail behind so often.

I went to four Super Bowl parties last Sunday. I wanted to be busy. I wanted to be happy. Just for one day. I saw all of my friends, old co-workers, new co-workers. They're all people that I have loved or do love. People that I wanted to see.

The best part of the day was watching TV with Puddin after the game.

It was quiet and vaguely... soothing. There was no pressure to share or to be ok.
For the first time in awhile, I could just... be. No one stared at me. I didn't have to suppress tears or muster fake enthusiasm.


I started grief counseling yesterday. I don't know if I'm ready to go down that road. I've come so far from the rest of my... everything, that I don't think I can go back there. I might not be ready to talk about Justin. Its all too closely linked to my father and all of the other things that make it hard for me to function.

On Sunday, I just want to stay in that quiet simple moment. I want to freeze myself right there on the sofa- just for a little while. Just long enough for me to get a grip on my world. Its all spinning so fast and so out of control.

I can't seem to catch my breath.

1 comment:

  1. My gosh. I love you, MK.

    I don't like to read much, but your blogs I could read for days. And probably will because I have a lot of catching up to do.

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