Leap

Reverb11

Prompt for December 4: Leap: What leap of faith did you take this year? Did you hold your nose and jump off the end of the diving board, or did you look before you leapt? Were you scared, or was it a relief?

I'm not one for leaping. I don't leap. I don't even hop. Not even a little bit.

I am a feet-firmly-on-the-ground kind of girl. And not always in a level-headed way. I'm usually planted somewhere between level-headed and paralyzed by fear.

But I've realized that this fear is ridiculous. It comes from my parents. All my life I've been told all of the things I'm NOT: capable, smart, strong, brave, pretty, thin, worthy.

And that's bullshit. Every word of it.

So I didn't leap. Not really. But I took baby steps. A lot of baby steps.

-I learned to drive a stick shift (actually, I bought a new car with a standard transmission, then I learned to drive a stick) because my father always said that women can't drive a stick.

-I ended toxic friendship(s!) because I deserve better than people who make me feel guilty for being exactly who I am.

-I went back to Arkansas because I deserved closure. Because I missed my friends. Because I wanted to bid that life good bye. Because I didn't do anything wrong.

-I came to terms with my mother. She'll never love me best. It is time for me to stop expecting things she can't give me.

-I quit smoking. I don't need a crutch to get through the day anymore.

-I forced myself to be honest. Always. Even when it hurt. Even when it made me look bad. Because lies and betrayal hurt.

... and lots of other, less significant steps.

Maybe, hopefully, if I keep placing one foot in front of the other, I can do the rest. I can come to terms with the rest of the soul sucking muck that bogs me down. I can let go and be successful and happy and anything but my father's daughter.

Maybe next year I can leap. Maybe. Hopefully. I don't know, but I think so.