Give

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Prompt for December 16: Give: When and to what did you give your all this year? How do you define "giving"?  Describe what it means to give, and how you plan to give over this coming year.


"Giving" for me does not usually have a positive connotation. "Give it your all" usually references emotionally exhausting experiences. I have a tough time finding a balance between being supportive and allowing someone to take everything I've got. I allow the people in my life to use me up emotionally. I support and I give until there is nothing left and then I become resentful. 


I resent the people I love for needing me too much. Or for not needing me as much as I need them. For not loving me as much as I love them. Or for loving me too much. I lash out. I'm cold and cutting. My distaste for them is vocal, brutal and unrelenting. I turn people's words around on them and spin situations so that the retelling highlights others' flaws. 


I am a bitch.


Giving is hard for me. It is never enough. It is altogether too much.


This year? I will give only what I can spare, what I can afford to lose. I will give love, but I will not give up my dignity. I will give forgiveness, but I will not sacrifice my needs for the wishes of others.