Humble Beginnings

I've decided to join Reverb11.

I've been neglecting my blog and thus my mental health lately- two things that are infinitely tangled to together. I've been looking for a way back, and so here I am. Reverb11.

Prompt for December 1:

Humble beginnings: where did 2011 begin for you? Describe where you were- be it physically, emotionally or otherwise.

I rang in the New Year at a party with work friends. We had these parties fairly often to celebrate- milestones or Saturdays- it didn't matter what. The house was packed with coworkers in fancy dresses and sparkly ties. My tiara fell off and was trampled when I got caught under the mistletoe that was still up from Christmas. I used a sharpie to scrawl my signature on "my side" of the beer pong table. We consumed dozens of bottles of champagne. It was a giddy, sparkly mess.

I was bored. I was tired of drinking. Tired of these people. I felt a deep down restlessness that I didn't know how to name. I didn't know at the time that this giddy mess was the last in the long line of giddy messes. Our era had ended.

A few days later I received a promotion at work. I was put in charge of the largest department with the most personnel. I'd taken a chance in applying. I was technically under-qualified, but I knew I was up for the challenge. This department had not had a leader for a few months, and the previous department head had been beloved. I had been promoted from outside of the department. Most of the people who now worked for me did not know me. They did not care that I was smart and capable and hard working and funny. I was an outsider.

I had to grow a stronger spine and thicker skin. FAST.

It became clear that huge and immediate changes were necessary for the department to remain productive. The place was in shambles. The procedures were outdated and directly conflicted with company policy. Important files had been misplaced. The filing cabinets hadn't been touched in over five years. Unethical practices were the norm. Beloved or not, the previous supervisor had not been very good at his job.

I had thought that I would be able to rely on the people who had worked with me previously for support. No dice. On top of that, the individuals who were supposed to be my assistants had been my competition for the position. Some of them had been counted among my friends before my promotion. Some of them were part of the giddy mess. I couldn't look to them for anything more than the barest civility, let alone support. I was met with opposition and insubordination at every turn. Every small procedural change was a battle. I thought that if I heard "Well, that isn't how Joe did it" one more time I would scream. I had fantasies of just throwing myself on the floor in front of everyone and throwing full-blown kicking-and-screaming toddler tantrum. Thankfully, sanity prevailed

My boss wasn't able to be very much help to during this transition, but I didn't want to be in the habit of relying on him. I knew that if I was going to command the respect of my department and be an effective leader I would have to do it alone. I needed to make the tough calls and have the awkward conversations without someone holding my hand or standing behind me like an enforcer. I had to find the support I needed outside of my department and outside of my branch of the company.

I was lucky. There were plenty of people who were willing and able to help me find the answers I sought and institute the changes I needed to make. I actually found allies where I least expected them, and developed friendships with the unlikeliest of colleagues.

Some of these challenges are ongoing, some took the better part of the second quarter to be resolved, but by the time Valentine's Day rolled around the worst was over. My friendships had been irreparably damaged, but things had turned around at work. New challenges were on the horizon.

I honestly don't know if I learned more about my new job, my old friends or myself during those first six weeks.

January 2011 was a lion fight and I won. Barely.