Past Self

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Prompt for December 11: Past Self: Write a letter to your past self, telling the old you who you've become. Did you live up to your own expectations?

My Dear Girl,

I see you so much more clearly now, full of determination and uncertainty. Bless you for that. In some ways it won't ever change.

I see you, a secret dreamer, with plans to "run the map" as that Kenny Chesney song says. We're not running the map, child. But we're generally happy, and certainly challenged at work. Our talents are recognized and appreciated, which is really all we ever wanted, isn't it?

We didn't go to law school after all. Life got in the way. But its alright, child. We both know that was really Daddy's dream all along.

Speaking of Daddy, we don't call him that anymore. We don't see him anymore. All of those things we feared in our heart-of-hearts turned out to be true- and so much more. He hurt us. So so much. But we turned out alright. We learned to be independent and we learned what not to be. We didn't see him for a few years. When we did all of the anger had turned into something softer. He's old now and kind of pathetic. But still bitter and horrible and all of those other things we don't need.

As for Mom, she surprised us. She turned out to be more than we'd originally thought she could be. But beware, child. Don't ever forget that you are not the chosen one. Mom will only let you down when yous tart to expect too much.

Be nice to TheFish. She doesn't know how to tell you, but she needs you. It will almost be too late before you figure it out. Daddy was right about only one thing. One day you will wake up and you will realize that all you have left are your siblings- if you aren't careful you won't even have all of them. It might be too late. It is fucked up how right he was.

We've had our heart broken by friends and lovers, by the people who were supposed to protect us and by those who didn't care at all.

We've run through a lot of bad friendships before we figured out how to spot a good one.

We had a couple of near misses. For awhile our light went out. I still don't know how we made it through, except by the grace of God. There are still a lot of dark days. You will find support in unexpected places, from people who do not have any obligation to help you or even care. Grab that support with both hands and hold on. You will need it.

Now, child, don't be alarmed. It isn't all tears and anger and fights and darkness. There is joy and giddiness and unexpected bounty. There is grace in the most unlikely of places. You will see kindness and compassion. You will laugh and dance and experience rapture. Grab these, too, with both hands.

Do we have regrets? Yes. Have we made mistakes? Absolutely.
But, my dear girl, we have loved and we have taken chances. And it has made all the difference.

Keep your chin up, my love.
xoxo

Anniversary

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Prompt for December 10: Anniversary: Tell us about an anniversary you marked in 2011; maybe one you noted for the first time.

I work with the public. In retail, actually. Black Friday (or the day after Thanksgiving) is busiest day of the year for retailers... and thus the bane of my professional existence.

It is also the bane of my personal existence. My brother died the day after Thanksgiving two yeas ago. Last year I took a week off of work and (due to cancelled-at-the-last-minute travel plans) spent much of that time sleeping and avoiding the world in general. I don't like to do something to honor my brother of this day. There are other days I prefer to honor, other days I prefer to remember.

This year, due to my promotion at work, I was obligated to spend the whole stupid Black weekend at work. With Christmas music. And crowds. And stupid Christmas music. I wasn't looking forward to it at all.

I was a walking wound. Over caffeinated. On edge. Under rested.

But I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I didn't mention the significance of teh day to anyone. Only one of my co-workers mentioned it to me at all. Interestingly, it was a coworker who didn't know me two yeas ago, had only heard me reference the date in passing months ago. It meant a lot to me that she even remembered.

And then, on Saturday, my boss and I had what began as a minor disagreement.

The image of what we must have looked like is laughable. Him: tall, Hispanic, gesturing wildly and booming. Me: shorter, pale and red-headed, frazzled, shrill. We nipped and snipped at each other like a Rottweiler and Pomeranian. I'm sure it was a ridiculous scene.


The disagreement ended with him yelling at me, quite loudly, in front of my staff and storming away.
In an equally unprofessional (and unsurprising) turn of events, I promptly burst into tears.


It was miserable. I don't relish a repeat of any part of the weekend. 

Cry

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Prompt for December 9: Cry: Where or why did you cry? Did someone make you cry? Was it happy or sad? Describe a good cry you had in 2011.

I'm not much of a crier. But maybe I've gotten soft. I've cried more the last six months than I had in the last two years before that. 


I've cried publicly. Notably, in the midst of the bulk goods at the local natural foods store. I'm sure passers by thought I was devastated by the price of nutritional yeast.


I cried at work in front of my boss. Huge gulping, gasping sobs that I couldn't even form words around. Poor kid looked totally freaked out.


I cried over lunch to Lovegood in a steady stream of leaky tears that blurred my vision and had me covered in (allegedly) waterproof eye make-up.


Probably most embarrassingly, I cried at work in front of the district HR manager when he mentioned giving me a raise. They weren't tears of gratitude. I don't know who was more horrified.




I'm a basket case (I've never really understood that expression). I feel as though I cry all the time. Maybe its not what I think. Maybe my problem isn't that I can't emote, or that I'm bad at it. Maybe I built of 25 years of unshed tears and now they're pouring out unbidden. 


Maybe I was supposed to be a crybaby all along and life got in the way. 
It does that, you know.

Safe

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Prompt for December 8: Safe: Where did you feel safest this year? Describe the person, place or thing that made you feel safe in 2011.

I am not a person who generally feels safe. I check under my car in parking garages and shine a light into my backseat when I enter my car after dark. I keep a baseball bat in the track of the sliding door in my bedroom. I am diligent about helmets and seat belts and respirators. I get nervous if strangers stand too close to me or make eye contact or follow me when I'm out alone.

Even more important to me is emotional safety. I protect my feelings and keep most of my thoughts and opinions to myself. I don't really confide. There is only one person who always makes me feel safe. When everything is pear shaped, she is the person I depend upon to take care of me. She's the only person I can be vulnerable with.

This is BestFriend:

(It was impossible for me to find a picture of just the two of us that wasn't at least two years old.)

BestFriend gets me in a way that I can't explain.

She's the only person who can convince me that its going to be okay. She has a tendency to call me out of nowhere on the days that I'm falling apart. She knows when I need her before I figure it out. She's unshakable in a crisis. She makes me laugh harder than anyone else.

She's my port in a storm.

So when everything is pear shaped, chances are you'll find me frowning and quiet on the sofa at her house. We'll be drinking wine and eating carbs and watching Say Yes to the Dress, mocking tacky brides and planning her wedding to ManFriend. And when ManFriend comes home from work or the golf course, we'll change the channel and start cooking. I'll pour more wine, ManFriend will talk about his day and BestFriend will invariably burn herself. They'll make me laugh and the last of my melancholy will melt away. Later, I'll climb in my car and head home, steady after spending a few hours in safety.

1,000 Words

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Prompt for December 7: 1,000 Words: Post a 2011 photo that's worth a thousand words.

This is my younger sister, the one I call "TheFish". The guy is her boyfriend. He has a lip-ring and calls her "dork-o".

I took this picture when I visited TheFish in Oregon for the weekend. We were in a tiny hole-in-the-wall in north Portland. It was one of those places that's a bar and a pizza joint and pool hall all at once. I was drinking a lovely Oregon Pinot Noir and he had a beer called "Got Hops?" which made us all laugh. The picture was an accident; I was trying to adjust the flash settings in my digital camera.

TheFish was the one of the four of us that our father hurt the most. She has every right to be bitter and angry. She has the right to distrust men and suffer from anxiety and depression. I am so grateful that she is healthy, free of the madness that flows through us; that she is able to trust men; that she has a boyfriend who calls her "dork-o" and acts like she hung the moon.

She gives me hope that one day I'll be ok.

Money

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Prompt for December 6: Money: where did you spend your money this year? Did you save it instead? What, if anything, would you like to do differently with your finances in the coming year?

I bought a car.

A very silly little light blue Korean-made car with a manual transmission and an impractically pale interior. It looks suspiciously like an Easter egg.

I love it.

And my father didn't get to make this decision for me.

The day my sister and I spent in the local high school parking lot and surrounding neighborhood learning to drive TheEgg was priceless. If I damaged the clutch learning to drive it on all of these damned hills, well, then I'll replace the clutch.

And you know what? My father was wrong. Girls can drive a stick shift. I love mine so much I'll probably never buy an automatic again.

Six months later, I still love the pale blue color. It makes me happy. If I get a ticket because of the silly color, who cares? It is my car; I will pay my ticket and no one can say a damned word about it.

This car is like me: fun, dependable, a little frivolous, and smells of coffee and Burberry perfume.

Things

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Prompt for December 5: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... what were your favourite things that you discovered this year?

1- Dream by Pure Romance: I went to a coworker's Pure Romance "party" earlier this year- mostly out of guilt. I am NOT into group sex talk. However, when the woman running the event said that she uses this to soothe her son, who has ADHD, at bedtime, I was curious. I have a lot of sleepless nights. I've tried lot of cures and tricks and medications. Nothing has really worked. This spray isn't a miracle, but it helps. It smells nice and it helps me settle down on the night that I'm feeling a little anxious or panicky. It has also helped cut down on restless sleep- Falling asleep and staying asleep is pretty awesome.

2- Victoria's Secret Daily Leggings: I am a fan of stretchy pants. I own an immense number. Almost all of them are Victoria's Secret, but I have bought stretchy pants everywhere. $5 Target leggings to an embarrassingly pricey pair that I got at the Juicy Couture store of all places; stretchy pants are my most common impulse purchase. I own two pairs of gray and black animal print, but the rest are black. I wear them always: travelling, yoga class, under long sweaters and dresses, with boots and flats. The best is when I wear them with my pink pumps.

3- Americanos: I've been a coffee drinker for years, but I never really loved coffee until this year. I was introduced to the deliciousness of espresso by BestFriend and my life was instantly changed for the better. I am obsessed with Americanos. Obsessed. I love the taste. And I love the way they give me a caffeine boost without giving me a coffee stomachache the way lattes and mochas and all of the whipped-flavored-foamy creations always did.

4- Tervis Tumblers: I impulse-bought one with a red lid and Razorback on it at Dillard's in Fayetteville. I love it. It lived up to all of the Tervis hype. It keeps my cold drinks super cold and it keeps my Americanos piping hot. I bought another one with my monogram on it a few weeks later. It is amazing!