Uglies

Years ago, my brother went to Yosemite with his then-girlfriend and her family for Thanksgiving. It was one of her family's traditions; my parents, not being the family-traditions kind of people, had no qualms about sending their only son away for the holiday. 

That year, for Christmas, he gave me what is, to this day, the ugliest gift I've ever received. Ever. He gave me socks. It wasn't the socks themselves that were offensive. I like socks as much as the next person. These socks were heinous: thick and brown with black bears, green pine trees and (just in case I was confused) the word BEAR printed across the instep. I cannot impress upon you how ugly these socks were. I promptly put them on (over the bottoms of my velour sweatpants), and we all laughed as I opened  the less functional gift that accompanied them.

At the time I was living in the unfamiliar South where it snowed and my California-flip-flop-feet were always cold. The ugly socks quickly became my favorites. After that, the ugly socks became a joke between my brother and I. He made a few more trips to Yosemite with then-girlfriend and her family. Each time, he returned bearing a new pair of socks for me, the thickest and ugliest he could find. I always accepted them gladly and exclaimed over their ugliness (as if ugly was a virtue) and immediately put them on, weather appropriate or not. 

No matter how hard he looked, he could never out-ugly the original pair of ugly socks.

I still have all of the ugly socks. Its a small miracle that the collection has survived so many moves fully intact, but they're stubborn. They're still well loved, but rarely see much action outside of my sock drawer. They're far too heavy for everyday wear, which is probably why they've survived this long. 

Today, its pouring outside, so I rooted around in my sock drawer until I found the brown uglies and pulled them onto my feet. There is a hole in the toe of one of them. 

I wore them anyway. Part of me wanted to keep them in the drawer always, so I'll always have them, this small tangible link to my brother, but instead I decided that I'm going to wear them until they've got no more life left in them. 

Its a big-picture thing. 

My brother's memory isn't something that I should hide in a drawer. 

27

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I'm still having issues at work. My friends have been, well, they're stressing me out. 

And the 27th has been drawing closer and closer, casting an ugly black shadow over everything.

Saturday was the year-anniversary of my brother's death.

I spent the day doing my bridesmaid-duty and wedding dress shopping with Bridezilla and Hope. I wasn't going to go; Mommo and I should've been in Oregon with TheFish. I'd been looking forward to Oregon. I haven't seen TheFish since she left for school in September. I NEEDED a break from work. Unfortunately, the snow storms in the mountains prevented us from travelling, so I'd spent my hard-won week off on the couch at home and avoiding my grief, my friends, my work, etc. So when Saturday came around, I had been wallowing for days and I thought that maybe the shopping would provide a positive distraction.

I made it through the shopping. Barely. I helped Bridezilla choose a beautiful dress. I smiled. I laughed. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to go home. I drove home through the rain and made it back to the sofa before I cried. I was emotionally exhausted, drained, headachey. 

But I'm proud of myself. And I did something sort of frivolous to distract myself. The girl I was a few years ago would've skipped dress shopping. She would've bought a bottle of alcohol and gone to a guy friend's to drink herself silly and sex it out. I'm not going to lie, I thought about it. So-and-So's is on the way home from the dress boutique. I could've easily picked up a bottle of Crown and seduced him to make myself feel better. But I didn't. I went home and I cried. 

I guess this is what growing up looks like. Fuck. When did that happen?

Do Not Pass Go

My car is leaking antifreeze. 

I learned this sad fact on Wednesday when Puddin approached my desk about ten minutes after he should've left for the day. He had his serious face on and he informed me that there was a puddle of antifreeze the size of Delaware under my car. 

I guess that I knew that my car had antifreeze. And I know that antifreeze shouldn't be ingested. I live in a place where nothing freezes EVER, so I always sort of thought that maybe antifreeze was... unnecessary. You know, like those things people in Alaska have in their garages to make their cars work in the snow. I could tell from his tone that it was actually fairly serious, so I did what any person with no practical automobile knowledge would do.

I looked at him very blankly and said, "I have no idea what that means." 

So he explained to me (without being condescending) that it is never good when something is leaking from a car, and that mine was in danger of overheating. He said that I must buy antifreeze at the gas station and drive directly to his house without any detours, and wait for him to get home from class to help me. Then he texted me to remind me to watch the temperature gauge and call if my car overheated. Twice. 

In my head this translated to something along like "Your car is a DEATH TRAP that leaks TOXIC CHEMICALS and is about to SELF DESTRUCT". 

I found myself purchasing antifreeze (pre-diluted) from a man with one front tooth, and white-knuckling it fifteen minutes down the highway to Puddin's. I don't think that I took my eyes off of the temperature gauge the whole way down PCH. I was convinced that my car was going to blow up ANY MINUTE. When I arrived, I had a cramp in my wrist and my hair had frizzed out. Awful.

I went to the movies with Skinny and Manonna while I waited for him to get out of class. (Life As We Know It, cute but predictable.)

When he got home, Puddin pointed out the things under the hood by the light of the LED light on my Droid. I learned to identify the radiator and the fan belt and lots of other things that I previously considered "the stuff around where the oil goes". This my friends, is progress. 

Next week Puddin and Pumpkin are going to try to fix the leak. They have used various pieces of man-knowledge to determine that it is totally something that they can probably fix. Probably a hose. I'm cooking dinner in exchange for their somewhat dubious mechanical skills. I'm hoping that they can fix it. Otherwise it will be just like the time that I went over to help them paint. Except reversed... The next day I had a hangover. And I was scrubbing Gobi Desert paint from under my fingernails and between my toes for like two days (that stuff does NOT come out!).

The walls look great though. 

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Clouds In My Coffee

A stupid thing happened to me today.

I was watching Say Yes To The Dress. Its a recent obsession of mine. I'm not the mushy, frilly emotional type. This show is completely out of character for me, but I can't get enough. Its my secret shame.

So... Say Yes To The Dress. There I am: glasses, pajamas, lopsided ponytail, coffee mug watching this blond girl trying on ridiculously over priced wedding gowns. And then she starts crying and out comes a torrent of words. She'd lost her sister very suddenly earlier in the year, and she was feeling her absence intensely. 

I lost it. 

I just sat there sobbing into my coffee cup as this stranger sobbed into a mountain of tulle on the television.

I'd always thought that my brother would walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Now when that day comes I'll walk alone. I couldn't possibly ask anyone else.

But that day is far off...

The first anniversary of my brother's death is right around the corner.

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Something Blue

When I was seventeen, I was a bridesmaid in my favorite cousin's wedding. She had a barefoot-hippie wedding on the beach of Lake Tahoe, complete with vegan cake and a blue wedding dress. My very Catholic Nana and my Born Again aunt both nearly birthed a cow when they found out about the blue dress. My cousin said that the blue was non-negotiable: she'd lived with her fiancé for years, and they weren't fooling anyone.  I wore a blue sun dress and walked down the (sand) aisle on the arm of a guy with a tattoo on his neck. (My dad nearly birthed a cow when he got a look at the tattoo) 

It is clear to me now how out of place I was there. I practically pranced next to Neck Tattoo. I had carefully tweezed and blown out my hair. I was so young and shiny and girl-next-door. But I was elated. Being a bridesmaid was the most important thing I'd ever been allowed to do. I thought that all of my cousin'f friends with their liberal beliefs and ultra healthy food were so interesting and sophisticated. 

I have no idea why my cousin asked me to be in her wedding, perhaps it was that I am the first female cousin (and thus, closest to her in age). Or perhaps its because of the hero worship that I'd always had (OK, still kind of have) for her. Or perhaps purposely losing touch with every single person you've known longer than a few years is a family trait... Whatever her reasons, it was the coolest thing that had ever happened to me. 

Now, seven years later, my close friends are getting married. 

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I am less than elated this time around.

Perhaps its because the other bridesmaids are awful stuck-up bitches (save one) and not my cousin's friend with the angel wings tattooed on her shoulder-blades. Perhaps its because I smell a Bridezilla situation brewing already. Perhaps its because she informed me that her wedding colors are royal blue and orange. Or perhaps its because I've always been better friends with the male half of this particular couple than the female half.

Between now and June (of course, a June wedding. Original, no?) I will have to listen to the overwhelming flow of wedding minutia. Flowers, dresses, venues, guest lists, caterers. Drama, weight pressures (You must come dress shopping, love. You have the biggest... breasts). I'm not looking forward to any of it.

I know that I should be flattered, and I know that I had a choice. I suppose that I could have said no. I am flattered, or at least surprised to have been asked. Even though I don't want to be involved, I wouldn't dream of hurting the bride's feelings by saying no. Is there a tactful way to say "I know we've been friends for years, but I don't want to support you in front of everyone on your wedding day"? I didn't think so. Besides, even though I think that Bridezilla is a little ridiculous (and pretty damn tacky) I do really like her. So I'm going to suck it up and wear an ugly dress and smile.

I swear that if I catch the bouquet, I will choke a bitch. 

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Walk This Way

One of my more recent habits is taking pictures. Specifically taking pictures of my feet.

My one and only tattoo is on the top of my foot. TheFish and I got matching ones last winter, shortly after LittleBrother died. 

The placement of the tattoo was a subject of much discussion. It was important that we get it in the same place, a place that we could see, a place that would change much with age or child-bearing. We originally thought to get them on our ankles, but our ankles are small and the design ended up being to large to look the way we wanted. So I tattooed the top of my bony foot. It hurt like a bitch. The tattoo artist, a colorful character named Robbie, later confessed that the only place he doesn't have a tattoo is the top of his foot. It is apparently more painful that a face tattoo... or more intimate areas.

So now I take pictures of my feet... at the lake, in the sand at the beach, the grass at TheFish's graduation, etc. Sometimes my feet are alone, sometimes TheFish's tattoo is pictured too. She humors this habit of mine, bur doesn't seemed compelled to do the same.

I think that part of me likes to think of it as a tangible sign that LittleBrother is always with me. That maybe, he isn't missing out by not being here. That I won't ever forget. Maybe I'm not slowly losing him... a prospect almost as devastating to me as the shock of suddenly losing him last year.

I'm really afraid of forgetting. Sometimes I can't quite picture his face anymore. Its just a little fuzzy, like the days I forget my glasses and have to squint to see things at a distance. I feel guilty about that. It hasn't even been a year. What kind of sister am I? How could I have lost focus already?

The irony of this all, of course, is that my brother would never agree to participate in the beach days and kayaking trips that I mentally drag him along on.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Tiny Relics

My Gramma crashed her car into her house last week. 

Don't worry. She's totally fine. But now she's moving to Nevada to live with my aunt and uncle. They've been trying to convince her to move for awhile, but the crash has become the latest selling point. Gramma is no longer able to live alone.

On Thursday Mommo I went to Gramma's to help her sort through her things and start packing. Let me tell you, the woman is a pack-rat. It must be a Depression Era thing, I mean who needs a dictionary that was printed in 1966?

Gramma also told us that we should take anything that we want now, because she isn't taking most of her things with her. She says that once she moves to Nevada we've lost our chance. Totally morbid.

I've lived within twenty minutes of my Gramma's house nearly my entire life. Its bizarre to think that she'll be so far away. It was sort of creepy to go through my grandmother's things. It felt like she was already gone, even though she was in the next room. I felt like I was intruding on her life. 

I felt guilty for growing older; becoming busy; scarcely visiting. What kind of granddaughter am I? 

I didn't really want any of the things Gramma offered. Our relationship isn't really about things for me. I call dibs on the horrifically heinous floral glass lamp in Gramma's living room. She's had it longer than I've been alive. I've always loved it... probably because of its ugliness rather than in spite of it.

The only other things I did take on Thursday were small; mostly relics from my childhood. Amongst them were the tiny dishes that my brother and I used to eat out of when we were kids. There are two small plates and two small bowls. One red and one blue. The reds were mine and the blues were his. The blue bowl is nowhere to be found, so I was only able to take three dishes. When I realized that the blue bowl was missing, it became the most important thing to me. I know that its only a bowl. But it was Justin's bowl. How could she lose it? How could she not realize that I would want it? What is wrong with her? 

I had to keep my cool though. Mommo was there, and she recently suggested with a  tearfully accusing tone that I may not be coping with the loss of my brother very well. 

After I calmed down about the bowl, I started to think that she may not be wrong.

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Three Baskets

When I helped my mother clean out her garage months ago, I found the three baskets that she wove when I was very young. They were faded from age and the bottoms were broken through from years of "tough love". Some of the reeds had begun to rot. I was so sad to these beautiful creations woven with my mother's love and hope destroyed. So I sat down on the floor of the dirty garage and I told my sister, TheFish, the story of the three baskets...

When I was young, my mom was the FunMom. She was a lot younger than most of my friend's moms. You see, I was the first child. Not the third or fourth like my friends. My mom baked cookies and made pine cones into bird feeders using peanut butter and birdseed. She packed yummy snacks with extras for my friends. She was never too tired to paint my toenails or read another story at bedtime.

My mom was the youngest child. Her mom had to work, so she was always too tired to play with mom. My mom had to walk home alone from school. When she was almost a big girl (about 11) my mom was allowed to spend the summers with Aunt Reba and her boyfriend. They lived together in Tennessee with a lot of other people. They had lots of animals, grew their own vegetables and made their own clothes. It was there that my mom learned to weave.

When my mother was pregnant with me, the first child, she wove a baby cradle. (I like to think that while she wove she thought of all of the FunMom stuff we were going to do.  She was probably also scared and hopeful and maybe a little sad... I, of course, don't remember her weaving the cradle, so that part is all conjecture.) It was in this cradle that she laid me when I was carried home from the hospital.

I remember that when she was pregnant with my sister, the third child, she wove again. I was fascinated as she unpacked her weaving supplies. I was proud and scared when she let me drop the stiffly coiled reeds into the hot water to soften them up. I can still hear her saying "Careful, careful, careful". She lifted me up, so that I could see the colored reeds undulate in the boiling water.

I remember my mom sitting Indian Style on her bed, her belly protruding under her dress. She guided my pudgy, clumsy baby fingers with her long, slim pale ones. How I wished for long nimble fingers like hers! Her patience with me was endless. Slowly, slowly our efforts began to take shape.

It wasn't the shape of the cradle, which had once sheltered me and then my brother, the second child. The cradle which was now home to McKenzie, the Cabbage Patch Doll from whom I had gotten my name. Instead, it took the shape of a medium sized basket with pink reeds interspersed and a sturdy handle thin enough for tiny hands to grip. This was followed by a blue basket for my brother and a green one for the new baby in her stomach.

Those quiet afternoons spent weaving with my mother were the calm before the storm. The storm of course being TheFish who came roaring into my life one evening in late November. Nothing has been the same since that day, but I have never forgotten the peace I felt watching my mother create something lovely with her hands.

I still watch my mom's hands sometimes: when she pours wine or gestures as she speaks. Her hands have aged a little, but the fingers are still slim and nimble.

Not too long ago, I leaned over to help my mother with something on her computer. As I looked down I noticed that my hands are now her hands. Long, slim, pale.

I only hope that mine can be as gentle, patient and creative as hers.

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Cumpleanos

Baby Bro,

Tomorrow you turn twenty two. Or you would anyway.
We're going out to the dunes where we scattered your ashes. Mom and Sarah have planned a whole thing that involves releasing balloons and other ridiculous things. Mom is making all of your favorites for dinner. She baked a cake.
I don't want to go. I'm not into it.I don't think its what you would have wanted. You weren't into big displays. They're stupid. And I don't have the heart to watch Mom and Sarah cry anymore.
I just want to get completely blind drunk. I want to have a lot of whiskey and miss you in my own way.
Why did you leave us, Baby Bro?
I don't know how to do this without you.
I love you.

Love, Me

Crumbs In Bed and Other Things My Mother Hates

I am under the covers in my bedroom.

I love this room.
When I moved in it was a small gray-lavender cave.
Its amazing what a little bit of paint can do. TheBean and I painted it a sunny yellow color in the space of an afternoon. We discovered that I'm a terrible painter, but TheBean kept accidentally painting the ceiling, so she didn't have much room to criticize.

Anyway, I'm in my bed, on my laptop.
I love my laptop.
I named it. I only name the things that I truly love.

And I'm eating. Some people (my mother in particular) will tell you that eating in bed is bad. Well I am here to tell you that just isn't so.

She says that a bedroom should be a sanctuary, away from the stress of the day. No food, no animals, no street clothes in the bed, etc.
I get that.

But this bed is my sanctuary, and tonight there are Girl Scout Cookies in my sanctuary.

Mommo has always been funny about little rules like No Eating In The Car! and Absolutely No Shoes On The Carpet! It was the big things like the curfew I never had, and the alcohol I drank in high school that seemed to just... slip past her. We were like two strangers living closely intersecting lives.

Its bizarre to watch her helicopter TheFish. TheFish and I talked about it recently; we have completely different parents, yet they're the same two people. My mother was vague and disconnected, hers is neurotic and overprotective.
I don't really know which is worse.

Don't get me wrong. Mommo is lovely and intelligent and stronger than she knows. We're just incredibly different people.

Over the past two years, Mommo and I have stumbled into a strange sort of relationship. Its not quite mother-daughter, but its not just a friendship. Maybe its because I'm already an adult? Or because we emotionally abandoned each other during my formative years?

I guess it doesn't really matter.
Either way, I'm going to eat cookies in my bed.

Home... Sweet?... Home

I make no secret of the fact that I hate living in this place.
I went to high school here, my family broke here, my heart broke here.
Almost nothing that I associate with this place is good.

I didn't really want to go out last night. It is, I suppose, technically the holiday of my people. My mother's family, anyway. They're all loud and Irish and love their whiskey. If you were to refer to us as a herd of willful gingers, well, you wouldn't be wrong.

I volunteered to drive. The idea of being drunk in a group that had indulged in too much Guinness and not enough corned beef and potatoes felt like the wrong kind of dangerous.

TheBean and I party hopped a little, and eventually ended up at a co-worker's house.

I was genuinely glad to see the people that I found there. I laughed all night. Not at anyone or because I felt obligated, but because I found something funny. I wasn't bored or irritated, even though I was one of the few sober people in the whole house. I danced. I cooked. I was hugged with such enthusiasm that I was propelled out of my chair and swung into the air.

It was a truly excellent night.

At some point, I looked around and made a startling discovery.

I've made a life here. Against my will.
And I like it.

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Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine

"Next week is my cousin's birthday. She's dead." He exhaled and the smoke curled upward.

I'd been having a rough morning at work. I was edgy and restless; by the time my lunch break showed up I wanted to be absolutely anywhere but there. I wasn't hungry, but I headed for my car anyway. I just wanted to be away.

Three quarters of the way to my car, I spotted him on the bench that had been shoved against the building between the storage sheds. I did an about-face and went over to say hello. I perched myself on the concrete base of the column across from the bench and stretched out my arm. Without speaking, he passed me his lighter and I reached into my bag for a cigarette.

Smoking is an old habit, one I've gone back to over the last few months. Its a nasty crutch, but some days that Camel is the only thing holding me together. So, for now, I allow myself this vice.

He regaled me with a ridiculous story about his roommate the night before, and then we fell silent. I was halfway through my second cigarette when he spoke again.

I took another drag and exhaled slowly before responding. "My brother's birthday is this month, too. The 29th. He would be 22"

He exhaled again "She died ten years ago. I got my first tattoo for her." He rolled up his sleeve to show me.

And then it followed: a bizarre version of Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine.
Our tales of memorial tattoos, fatal car accidents, emotional scars intertwined with the smoke from our cigarettes. We shared the memorial services, grief, shock and numbness as if they were war stories. There is a weariness to such talk- survival without triumph.

I wanted to cry, but he managed to make me laugh. Really laugh for the first time in too long.

Before I knew it, I was crushing out my fourth cigarette and my lunch break was over.
I hadn't eaten, but I felt more full than any food could have made me.

Maybe, just maybe, it will be okay.
I can hope anyway, huh?

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Prude

Today a very close friend of mine called me a prude.
I was offended.
I don't think that choosing to filter the information that I share with others makes me a prude.
I lay my life open on the internet. I share my private thoughts and feelings here for people to read, analyze and occasionally criticize. But you, my online friends, my anonymous support group, know far more about my personal life than many of my friends.
I tell you about my guilt and my grief and my father. I tell you about my boy drama and my ExpirationDating. You know about the nights I cry, the nights I smoke too much, and when I become twitter-pated. I don't share a lot of this with my "real" life friends. Sure, most of them know that I blog, that I record all of the silly little detail of my life here, but none of them has ever been invited to read my blog. This is my place to be me, without judgment or fear. This is where I don't apologize for being selfish or shallow or ridiculous. My sanctuary, if you will.
If keeping my feelings and my naked business sheltered from the prying eyes of coworkers and friends makes me a prude, then fine. Maybe I am a prude. Fine. But that is my choice. And you know what? Anyone who doesn't like it can just fuck off.
The fact is, I am uncomfortable talking about sex. Actually, that isn't quite accurate. I am not uncomfortable with the subject of sex. I am uncomfortable talking about my own sex life. I read Cosmo, I watch Sex and the City, I see my gynecologist regularly. I've had a Brazilian wax. I've watched porn. I've seen babies be born and held a friend's hand through the toughest choice of her life.
Am I a virgin? No.
Am I ashamed of that? No.
Am I going to share my sex life with the group? Absolutely not.
When it comes to discussing my own personal sex life, forget it. I get squeamish and awkward. Maybe its leftover Catholic guilt, orr maybe its from living in a house with 80 girls and craving privacy of any kind for extended periods of time. I'm not sure. But its likely that I won't ever
In fact, I wish more people had filters.
It may titillate others to hear and share dirty stories, fine. But please leave me out of it.
I don't care if you had sex with your girlfriend in the bathroom at a classy restaurant or what you used for lube when you ran out of KY. I do not need to know that your girlfriend now refuses to pick you up at closing time because by then you've had too many drinks to maintain an erection.
I am just not interested in hearing your naked business.
And I am certainly not interested in sharing mine.

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Lent

I've never really understood Lent. Not in the way that most people celebrate it, anyway.

In my Catholic elementary school we were taught that Lent could be about three different things: breaking a bad habit, beginning a good habit and strengthening one's relationship with God. In the sixth grade, I quit biting my nails during Lent. Three years ago, I prayed the rosary every day for those 40 days.

So it has never made sense to me that people give up things like chocolate or coffee or television when they'll only be going back to it after Easter.

To me, Lent has always been a time for self-assessment. Am I on the right path? Am I doing my best to be compassionate and kind? Am I a good friend? sister? daughter? Am I happy? etc. If the answer is "no" or if I feel like an area of my life needs work, Lent is the time that I set aside for that. I usually choose a "bad habit" to break. I focus on my relationship with God, and I try to work on the parts of my life that suffer whether it be my relationship with others or a more personal issue.

This year, those questions were harder to answer. The smaller things in my life are still so shadowed by the loss of my brother, that it was more difficult to pinpoint any one thing that I could change to put a more positive spin on my life. So instead of choosing a habit to break, I'm beginning something new.

I'm starting a feel-good habit. Everyday I'm going to do one thing that is good for me. Simple things like go to the yoga class I love or take a long walk on the beach. Anything that will allow me a little bit of "me time" in which I can relax without being judged for enjoying myself or overwhelmed by grief.

I'm also going to write everyday. Even if its stupid and I don't post it. I haven't had the energy to do very much lately besides crawl into my bed at the end of the day. I miss my friends, and my life. But I really miss writing. I miss the heady feeling I get after I've finished purging my spirit. I miss the lightness I feel when someone reads my words and says "Yes! Exactly! I get that." Maybe that's a little selfish, but I think that right now I need a little more selfishness and a little more validation in my life.

Lent is my time to reclaim my life.

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Mardi Gras

Just when I feel like I'm starting to get a grip on things something else happens that throws me off balance again.

This time its Pumpkin. I'm incredibly irritated at him for the events of the past weekend. He's being immature, and isn't apologetic in the least, so I expect the irritation to linger for some time. I've never really been angry with him before, which is frustrating in and of itself.


Yesterday was gorgeous, so I escaped to the beach beneath The Cliffs with SkinnyBitch and AirborneRanger and a friend of theirs. I'd only ever been to that beach after dark, the last time involved scary mutant sand crabs. I loved it. The sun was shinning and the ocean was so very blue. I always go to the beach when I'm feeling troubled. Something about the waves and the enormity of the Pacific speak to me in the most intimated, elemental way. Nothing ever relaxes me like the ocean. Skinny and I were incredibly cliche and lay on our towels drinking Cheladas and reading Cosmo most of the day. Eventually, we were coaxed (thrown) into the water by the boys and a splashing war ensued. I hadn't played and been silly like that in such a long time.


Something about SkinnyBitch is comforting. She's shallow and silly, but that is part of why I enjoy her so much. Her gossip and petty judgments distract me from the painful things that others unwittingly remind me of. Ok, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed and she has the emotional depth of a wading pool, but she's a genuinely nice person. She's harmless, really. I think, in a way, she takes me back to simpler times when my biggest worries were what color toga to buy or whether my shoes clashed with my party top. You know, before it all fell apart. She may not be a lifelong friend, but she is so refreshing.

AirborneRanger is much of the same. We bonded over our his-and-hers Sperrys and our mutual love of tequila. He's leaving for some sort of Army training soon, so he's wrapped up in a whirl of good times and good-byes. Its easy to allow myself to get wrapped up in the Mardi-Gras atmosphere that his company brings.

So, for now, "Laisses les bons temps rouler!".

Suspended- Animation

I've been static lately. Passive.

I come home and go to bed early, exhausted. I don't have the energy to write or go to yoga class or do any of the other things that I enjoy.

I tell people that I'm fine over and over until I want to scream from the monotony of it all.

I've been forcing myself to be active, social, engaged. Its so hard. I catch myself staring into space or losing focus in the middle of a sentence.

I trail off and trail behind so often.

I went to four Super Bowl parties last Sunday. I wanted to be busy. I wanted to be happy. Just for one day. I saw all of my friends, old co-workers, new co-workers. They're all people that I have loved or do love. People that I wanted to see.

The best part of the day was watching TV with Puddin after the game.

It was quiet and vaguely... soothing. There was no pressure to share or to be ok.
For the first time in awhile, I could just... be. No one stared at me. I didn't have to suppress tears or muster fake enthusiasm.


I started grief counseling yesterday. I don't know if I'm ready to go down that road. I've come so far from the rest of my... everything, that I don't think I can go back there. I might not be ready to talk about Justin. Its all too closely linked to my father and all of the other things that make it hard for me to function.

On Sunday, I just want to stay in that quiet simple moment. I want to freeze myself right there on the sofa- just for a little while. Just long enough for me to get a grip on my world. Its all spinning so fast and so out of control.

I can't seem to catch my breath.

Getting It

On Sunday I had brunch with a new friend (J) and my best friend (Hope).

A few hours (and several mimosas) later, we part ways. As new friend exited the building, Hope looked at me and declared "I love her!".
"You do?" Hope very rarely loves anyone immediately. In fact, one of the things we have in common is that we usually dislike people in general and girls like J in particular.
"I really do... This may sound stupid, but she gets it. You know?"

I do know. I often categorize people that way in my head: the people who "Get It" - get me- and those who "Don't Get It".
Its something I got from a Judy Blume book years ago (how cliche is that?).

I have plenty of friends who don't get it- I would venture to say that most of them don't. And that's okay. I enjoy those people. I work with them, attend their parties, go to bars, try new restaurants and watch college football with them. We live pleasantly intersecting lives. But are these the people that will be in my life forever? Probably not.

Occasionally, a soul will cross my path who really and truly "Gets It". A person who will play an important role in my life, a person who will change me.

J is lovely. She's funny and intelligent and soothing.
Maybe soothing is a strange way to describe someone, but there is a serious lack of stability in my day-to-day.
She's been a breath of fresh air in my emotionally stuffy, smothered world.

I'm aware that it sounds like I have a weird crush on her. I swear that I don't.
Its just that the J is short for Justine.
And she's made such a fortuitous entrance into my life that I can't help but think she was sent to help me.

Is that hoodoo? Or just plain foolishness?
Maybe.

Is it too much pressure for a new friendship?
Maybe. Probably.

But she gets it.

So maybe not. 

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